It is hard for adults to accept just how hard this truly is for young children. We expect children to have the ability to talk to us, or their friends. We expect them not the "meltdown", cry, call names or hit. What we often don't do, is see things from their point of view, model the appropriate way to behave and give them tools and support them as they calm down to a place where they can collect their thoughts and the ability to listen/communicate. We often share in their frustration with a healthy dose of our own.
What we do at Discovery is practice putting ourselves in their shoes " How must he/she feel in this moment"? We separate the child's behavior from the child's feelings and after securing the safety of all involved, we address the feelings that cause the behavior. Dealing with the behavior without addressing the root cause will not produce a child who is in touch with their emotions and is able to regulate themselves and appropriately solve conflict.
Here is dialog taken while two really good friends play together:
Henry and Max sat playing on the rug.
Max began to build with blocks.
Henry stood up to walk away and steps really close to Max's structure.
Max says HEY!!!
The Structure falls.
Henry laughs
Max- "STUPID HENRY!"
( When children hit or call names, that means there is something they want to say that they are not able to communicate in the heat of the moment)
Kisha- I see that Henry's foot hit your structure and knocked it over and now you are upset. Did you want to say you are frustrated? (replacing "stupid Henry" with his true feelings.. stupid is a go-to because it's easy and does not cause him to do the hard work while he is still upset)
Max now feels heard. Henry trusts that he will be heard because I did not jump to punish him for knocking over the blocks, or for laughing, he was able to observe my calm demeanor and ability to listen.
Max- "No, I wanted to say, I don't like it when Henry laughs at me. I don't like it Henry, do you understand?"
Henry stops laughing and passes Max a block seeming to offer to help him build it back.
They begin rebuilding together.
I could have told Max, " Oh, Henry didn't mean it!".. or " Stupid is not nice, be nice!" but none of these things would have validated his feelings, given him the tools and permission to express his feelings. It would also not have held Henry accountable to his part in the conflict. I believe Henry did not knock the structure down on purpose, but it seemed like the issue for Max was the laughing after, so that is what we addressed. The passing of the block was Henry's nonverbal communication to Max. Max seemed to understand and accept the gesture, so my work there was done. Lectures or the feeling that things should be fair and equal only undermines the natural process. In nature, things are organically unbalanced. * Notice I did not force an "I'm sorry" This only teaches a child that they are not in control of their feelings and that when forced, they should lie about how they feel in the moment. the passing of the block was Henry's authentic "I am sorry" and it was enough.
This is just one of the many many times we work to build these skills in children. Remember it's not bad behavior. it's children trying to navigate their emotions and feelings while sharing a space with others. They are developing the skills.. we as the skilled adults have a duty to help them along.
